The lost art of active listening (and 6 tips to practice it)

I had a conversation the other day with a colleague for an hour. We exchange information, but somehow I left feeling unheard. It felt like they were talking for the sake of talking, they wanted to brag, they wanted to look good. I didn’t get the feeling they were listening, they were only hearing works come out of my mouth and they were throwing back some comments my way that made them look smart and worldly.

Odd are you’ve had a few of these types of conversations in the last week. The ones where each person (or at least one) is interested in listening only for the sake of answering. They don’t care what you’re saying, they’re just biding their time to respond with some sassy comment that makes them look good.

Is that even listening?

As coaches and consultants, our jobs involve a lot of listening. We listen to what’s being said, how it’s being said and we also listen to what’s not being said. So it feels extra unsettling to be in these types of conversations, where we know our counterpart isn’t listening at all, they’re barely hearing us.

Spot the 3 types of listening

Before figuring out how to better listen, we need to identify the different types of listening. Try to tune into each conversation you have in the next couple of days and see where they fall!

Type #1: Listening to talk

In this type of conversation, one or both parties are just tuning into the conversation so they can talk back. The level of listening they’re practicing is shallow and uninterested. The only purpose listening is serving is as a prompt for what they need to say next. Here’s an example:

Person 1: How was your week?

Person 2: It was quite stressful actually.

Person 1: Oh tell me about it! I had a week from hell. (and they go on to tell their listener about all the things that happened in their own week)

Type #2: Listening to learn

In this type of conversation, one person is looking to collect some facts and learn more about the other person. They might have their own agenda behind the questions they ask, and it can feel a bit like an interrogation at times! Here’s an example:

Person 1: How was your week?

Person 2: It was quite stressful actually.

Person 1: What happened?

Person 2: I lost a key client.

Person 1: Who was it?

Person 2: Giant Company Inc

Person 1: How big was the contract?

Person 2: £100k, that’s the biggest client my agency has.

Person 1: How did they let you know?

Person 2: By email, it was quite cold.

Person 1: What will you do next?

Notice how Person 1 showed no interest in how Person 2 was feeling about any of this. They didn’t probe around any of the nuggets of information Person 2 gave them, and continued with their fact gathering questions.

Type #3: Listening to connect

In this type of conversation, the listening is 100% present. They’re engaged, they’re attentive and they’re asking probing questions. They have no agenda other than connecting with the person they’re talking to. Here’s an example:

Person 1: How was your week?

Person 2: It was quite stressful actually.

Person 1: Oh no, what happened?

Person 2: I lost a key client.

Person 1: That sounds awful, how are you feeling?

Person 2: Quite shit, to be honest. It’s a lot of money the agency’s just lost, and I’m worried I might have to lose someone on the team because I can’t afford to keep everyone on payroll when £100k just walked out of the door.

Person 1: That must be hard, I know how much you care about your team

Notice how Person 1 is only there to listen, support and let Person 2 vent/process their thoughts/ get things off their chest. They’re asking questions that invite Person 2 to explore and go deeper into their thoughts and feelings. We call this type of listening active listening.

Active listening helps build a strong rapport. So how can you practice it?

Tip 1: Be present

Shut off any distractions, and be fully present in the conversation. Don’t think about the next item on your to do list. Don’t think about how this very thing happened to you last week. And don’t think about what you’re having for lunch.

Give your counterpart your full undivided attention. No quick glance at that notification at the top of the screen, no quick Slack message here and there.

Tip 2: Give them space

If you’re trying to build rapport with someone, let them have space to express what’s on their mind and how they’re feeling about it. Don’t rush in with a follow up question, or interrupt them to share your own thoughts.

Hold the space, even if it gets uncomfortable.

Tip 3: Be genuinely curious

Short sharp fact gathering questions from our Listening to Learn example are good to start conversations. If you want to go deeper into thoughts or emotions, and strengthen the quality of the conversation, go for open ended questions that invite exploration.

Show curiosity, and ask follow up questions when you can.

Tip 4: Notice non verbal cues

Sometimes we say more in the way we hold ourselves that in the words we use. Watch for voice and physical cues that might show you that your counterpart is not expressing what they’re saying with their words.

If you’re comfortable, raise those observations. For example, if they’re uncomfortable about a topic, they might cross their arms or avoid looking you in the eyes. If you have a strong relationship with them already, you might want to let them know you noticed their physical cue and ask them what brought that on.

Tip 5: Don’t judge what they say

There’s nothing worse that opening up to someone and feeling instantly judged for what you said/felt. Whatever you do, don’t share any judgement on what your counterpart says. No “that’s silly” or “why would you even think that”. It will get them to instantly shut down.

Yes, we’re all humans and sometimes we do judge what people say. A more helpful way of handling that is to ask them how they feel about the situation and listen to their reasoning before you jump to your own conclusions.

Tip 6: Play back what you’re hearing

There’s a happy medium between giving space and asking someone to speak into the void! When you feel comfortable, play back what you heard your counterpart say.

It will make them feel listened to and heard. You can also check with them that what you heard is what they actually meant - another good way to avoid jumping to conclusions.

What we say is 10% of our communication.

Practicing active listening can help us tune into the full 100% of the conversation by noticing the voice and body cues that make up the remaining 90%.

We’d love to hear about how you get on with your practice. If you’re curious to see active listening in action, book your free coaching discovery session with us.